Fearless

Dear Comment,

It's been awhile since I've blogged. I almost let you scare me out of the one space that I created for myself as a means of expressing my inner most thoughts. Today I challenge myself to continue to be fearless. The world will judge me anyway, no matter what I do. I love the freedom that I feel in knowing that I can express myself here and never know who, if anyone, could be somehow enlightened, or even pissed off by my thoughts. So I will continue to think and express myself. I will continue to be fearless, and I look forward to hearing from you again.

with love,
sincere lee

Chance It?

Unless you've been living under a rock, on a deserted island for the past few days, everyone is talking about Tiger Woods and his infidelities. While I am not at all surprised that Tiger was caught cheating, or that he was cheating at all; I was a little appalled by the number of partners who have come forward. Now while it is indecent, and utterly disgusting to think of how wreckless and irresponsibly he behaved, would it not be less so if there were only two women involved. The general consensus amongst both men and women discussing this tragedy of a story is that Tiger's "transgressions" are made worse by that fact that the number of partners has increased into the double digits. Talk show host, Wendy Williams, commented earlier today that yesterday she felt like Elin Woods should stay for the duration of time specified in the couples updated prenup and collect her money. Today, however, since more women have come forward with allegations, she feels that without a doubt Tiger's wife, Elin should leave him. I ask myself why should it matter if it were one woman or twenty. That's like saying if a man punches you in the throat once, it's understandable if the woman stays, but if he punches you ten times, it's definitely time to heave hoe. Disrespect and dishonesty should not measured in terms of quantity, but quality. A large part of the reason that my estranged husband and I are separated and divorcing is because of domestic violence. I stayed with him for while after the incident for several unjustifiable reasons, but in the end I was not able to co-exist with him safely, comfortably, and lovingly as a wife, so I left. I can't count how many people questioned my decision to leave on the basis that he hadn't done anything like that since the initial assault. Was I supposed to sit around and ignorantly wait for it to happen again? Women have come a long way in America, but clearly, we need to reasses our values in relationships with men, and more importantly as those values relate to marriage. The concept of a second chance was birthed through America's womb, but when it comes to serious life circumstances, and relationships between men and women, second chances are often overrated, and undeserved.

Uncomfortable

Oh what I wouldn't give to be comfortable. About a month ago my entire world was turned upside down. In my haste to leave my husband and my situation, I forgot that I was also leaving my sense of normalcy and comfort; my seven-hundred, fifty thread count sheets, my queen sized bed, and my lofty, comfy pillows. Six of them to be exact, ranging in size from standard to euro. I think back on how I would stack them all according to size and prop myself up on them. I felt like I was in a cloud, floating on a sea of dreams. Oh how I long to be comfortable. I miss the joys of lulling in bed on Saturday mornings, peacefully drifting in and out of sleep, without a care in the world; that warm, enveloping feeling created by my own body heat that hugs me, and assures me that in this moment, while I lie in bed, all is right with the world. And even if it isn't, it can wait until later.

As I wake this morning on my parent's couch I am reminded of how utterly uncomfortable my life has become. The scratchy, harsh reality of my world hits me before my eyes even open. I am blanketed under a patchwork quilt of hard truths, pain, and resentment. It's kind of difficult to forget, or even pretend to forget how much life can be a pain in the neck when a pain in the neck sharply greets me good morning daily. I haven't slept in a bed in at least two weeks. Oh what I wouldn't give to be able to curl up in my sheets, hug a pillow, roll over and go back to sleep on this early, rainy, cold, Saturday morning. A bad marriage can interrupt your life in ways you never dreamed possible. Worst of all I know that right now as I am up lamenting about how uncomfortable I am, my estranged husband is still sleeping; no doubt curled up in those seven-hundred, fifty thread count sheets, comfortably hugging a pillow.

Sincere Lee

Missing the main ingredient

Six months and two days ago was my wedding day. I knew the night before that I was not in love with my husband-to-be, but I was doing what I thought I was supposed to do. I was twenty-five, and in a long term relationship. We lived together for almost two years, and I'd moved four-hundred miles away from my family and friends to be with this man, and start this fabulous life in New York City. We were getting married. Nothing was going to stop me. Now it's six months into the marriage and we are separated. I have informed him that I want a divorce. I could go into the specifics as to why I have decided to dissolve my marriage so abruptly, but I will not. It makes no difference. I was not in love. I had convinced myself that I didn't need love to be married. I didn't believe in soulmates; I believed in choices.