First Time "I Love You's"

Since it's Valentine's Day I've been thinking about how many guys in my lifetime have said those special three words. There really haven't been that many. I've had about five serious boyfriends, out of which, only two have said the words "I love you." This makes me feel really, really good about my choices of men. This is probably the only solid evidence that would support the notion that most of my ex-boyfriends are great guys. Shout out to all of my exes, (if you know I blog, more than likely you'll be reading this). The first time I felt what I understood to be love as a teenager, I was fifteen. This was my first real relationship. He was my bestfriend's older brother, and I had a huge crush on him when I was in seventh grade. I worked very hard to get him to notice me, wore my hair just the right way, wore all the right outfits, made sure I stood where he stood in the hallway every morning, and it worked. Eventually he was my boyfriend. We were together for one blissful year, and three months. We went everywhere together, did everything together, and people loved us together. We were the "It" couple in high school. Although we never actually said "I love you" he did write it in a card he gave me eleven years ago today (and yes I still have it).

It was about six years later before I actually heard a guy tell me he loved me. This was my ex-husband. Our relationship started with a crush as well, but not on the level of my very first crush. I don't even think that is possible. The point is, I was over it by the time we actually met. But it didn't take long for those butterflies to re-surface. He said "I love you" after only a week of talking on the phone. I don't even think we'd gone on an official first date yet. It scared the shit out of me. That should have been the first red flag. I didn't say it back because it wasn't true for me. I don't believe in love at first sight. If I did, I would imagine that both people would have to feel it at the same time in order for it to be real. I can't remember the first time I said "I love you" to him, but I'm certain it was months into the relationship (red flag number 3, number 2 is a whole nother post).

As sad as it may be, I've only ever truly been in love once. Here's an interesting tid-bit about this: It's not my ex-husband (as if that wasn't obvious by now), and this "one instance" that I am speaking of is right now, also, this person has never been my boyfriend. We've never even exclusively dated. No he is not a figment of my imagination (I'm aware of how ridiculous this may seem). He is the person I am thinking of in my last four posts. He is my best friend. The first time he told me he loved me was in a facebook chat (I know, that doesn't count). However, he did tell me again in person. He didn't say it during sex, or after sex, or with the anticipation of sex. We were fully dressed, and sober. We'd just had one of the most memorable nights in with his favorite cousin and her husband (who are now two of my most favorite people in the world). There was nothing glamorous, or perfect, or pre-planned about that night. It just was. Just two couples in love, sharing wine, laughs, and betting on horses. That night defines pure enjoyment for me, but I digress. It was all over us. We had to acknowledge it. As we lay in bed, my head resting on his chest, he nuzzled my forehead, and kissed the top of my head. I tilted my head up towards his face. We kissed. "I love you" he said, with a content sigh. "I love you too," I replied, as if I'd said it that way to him every night before we went to bed for thirty years. We fell asleep. I realize now I've never said "I love you" and felt it at the same time. I usually say it as an automatic response, I never really thought about whether or not it was true. Kind of like the way I always say "I'm fine" when someone asks "How are you?," regardless of how I'm really feeling. It felt wonderful to hear someone say those three words to me and know that he meant it. It was even more wonderful to know that I meant it too. A lot has happened between us since then, but I still feel the same way. I believe I always will.