Love Squared Part Un- Love Life

From the moment you touched me I knew I could never go back. I got goosebumps all over. I didn't want to let go. Your embrace felt like home to me; no other hug that I've shared with anyone else since then matters. It had been five years. Where does the time go? Why did it stop the moment our worlds collided again? I wore no makeup, although I really needed to; but you've seen me at my worst. We've been very good friends since high school, almost ten years. I wore my Uggs and a fuchsia cashmere sweater. No stilettos, no blousy top; and you still greeted me, "Hey beautiful." Your smile was warm and unforgettable. I knew from the moment you spoke to me I could never go back. On the ride back I suddenly felt self-conscious. "Have you been crying?" you asked me. "No" I replied, decoding what I thought that meant, "I just don't have any makeup on." I began fishing around in my bag for my lip gloss and my compact. You told me I didn't have to put on makeup. From the moment we got in the car, I knew I could never go back.

The ride home was the best ride of my life. It felt good to be alive. It felt good to be me with you. Even with no makeup, and my Ugg-ly boots I felt beautiful. It was a windy day, sunshine galore. It was made for us; but it couldn't be. We had brunch at a little place you frequent. "Only special, select people get to come here," you told me as we pulled into the parking space of the store front. We both ordered the same thing, the belgian waffle, except you ordered sausage and scrambled eggs with yours. Regretfully so, I can't remember how you liked them. For a brief moment, my mind was somewhere else. What should I do with this ring? It was just sitting there. That day, my one carat diamond solataire, stood up on my finger like a three carat diamond. I couldn't ignore it. It was there. Our conversation was made of the stuff only old friends can share. From the moment we both laughed together, I knew that I could never go back. Something happened inside. When we left the restuarant, it was all different, but the same. We were reaquainted, I could recognize myself again. From the moment I walked through your door, I knew I could never go back. Your place felt like our place. It felt as if we'd only left there moments ago to make a quick stop at the store. It didn't feel like the first time. I didn't feel like a guest. It was more comfortable, more familiar, more permanent than that. I could hear music. Music was all around me. There was a delicate, sweet, scent in the air. You'd taken care to make your home pleasant for me, but nothing about it seemed forced or unnatural. I belonged here. Where had I been all this time?

We both changed into something more comfortable. You snuck a peek at me in my pink bra and black leggings, even though I asked you not to look. I quickly pulled my tee shirt over my head. We were supposed to be napping. I didn't want to miss anything, neither did you. We listened to music, and I heard songs, beautiful songs that I'd never heard before. At some point in my life I stopped listening to music. I didn't realize it until I was there with you. But you knew it. What was old became new again, and what was new felt so fresh and familiar all at the same time. "Who is this?" I asked you, and you always knew. From the moment we listened to music together, I knew I could never go back. Somewhere in a song you pulled me beneath you. I lay there suspended in your bed in a small space between magic and misery. I've never felt my heart beat so fast. I could hear it. I know you could too. Your body provided just the right amount of pressure. I didn't feel smothered or crushed. You supported your own body weight enough that it was comfortable for me to move or readjust if the need arose. But why would I want to do that? Our bodies fit together like two puzzle pieces. I didn't know which parts belonged to whom. I could have stayed there forever with you. It was better than sex; it was the anticipation of the possibilities. Before we knew it, it was time to leave. Where did the time go? I knew from the moment we left your place together, I could never go back.

Breathless

"I can't breathe" I mouthed to him.
He didn't hear me. He didn't see me.
The white of his eyes were bright as white light.
He was looking past me.
I didn't recognize him. He had become something else.
I closed my eyes and began to pray. God make him stop, God make him stop.
I could feel myself giving up, but still believing.
I can't recall how it started, or what it was about.
Shoes, I think it was about shoes. But it was bigger than that, he needed to have control.
His hands gripped my neck so tight, he squeezed tighter as he shook me.
Only the tips of my toes grazed the ground.
"You're choking me," I mouthed to him.
I closed my eyes. Let it be over. My voice was inaudible.
Like a child releasing a spinning top, he released me.
My body hit the wall and bounced back.
My balance was off.
I couldn't stand up straight. My view of the room was sideways.
I was gasping for air.
Gasping. for. air.
Gasping. . . for. air.
My whole body heaving back and forth.
One foot in front of the other, hands outstretched to help hold my world in place, I managed to stumble out of the bedroom.
"I HATE MYSELF,"
"I HATE MY MOTHER,"
"I HATE MY FATHER," he was screaming through clenched teeth, clutching his head. The pain was paralyzing.
In my brain there was no sound.
I felt like crying. My spirit couldn't comprehend, it was shattered.
A belly deep, eternal, aching in my soul.
God knows it hurt.
This isn't me.
This isn't my life.
I didn't grab anything, I didn't look back.
When I got to the door, I stopped.
If I leave the whole world will know.
I have nowhere to go.

Goatee, Go Figure

Here's an interesting little tidbit, my ex-husband has grown a goatee. I realize that those of you reading this have no idea who my ex-husband is, or why this information would qualify as an "interesting tidbit," but trust, I will explain. My ex-husband is a real type-A, militant, always leaves the party early kind of guy. He wears loafers, he uses shoe horns, and takes great pleasure in cleaning off his Mac. These were all qualities I loved about him, by the way, this is not by any means a jab at his character. We were together for five years and the man shaved every single morning without fail. It was nothing that I pressured him to do, he was clean-shaven when I met him. When I heard about this radical decision to grow a goatee, I was shocked, and then instantly intrigued. What is the correlation between break-ups and hair? I've known plenty of women who resort to the same sort of behavior when a relationship suddenly goes sour; a la Rhianna after Chris Brown, Brittany Spears after K-Fed. I've just never entertained the idea of a man doing the same thing.
Does it have something to do with control? The freedom to make one's own decisions? The most that I've ever done when coping with a break-up is eat a pint of Haagen Dazs, and rip up a few old pictures. I've never taken it out on my hair. I can go to the gym and work off that pint of ice cream, but a bad haircut could haunt me for life. I must admit, I've seen a current picture of him, and he looks completely different. I hardly recognized him. Maybe that's what he's going for, or is this some sort of signaling of manhood. He looks older, but, well, I won't go there. I've always been kind of attracted to men with goatees. I used to think that they were so much more sophisticated, and suave than men without them. There is something very ooh, la, la about it, or maybe that's just a fantasy I created to keep myself interested, and disguise the fact that usually goateed men are slick talking, players without a conscience. They always seem to have a chip on their shoulder. Now I wonder if the reason those men grew goatees had anything to do with a divorce or a bad break-up. That would also explain why most men with goatees always seem to be a little moody, and quick tempered. Most of the one's I've dated had some serious committment issues, and they're always the men at the club buying out the bar. I'll stop short of a warning ladies, but you see where this is going.

You Say What?!

I was having one of those great talks with my sister tonight about men and relationships (what else). We were catching each other up on all the bizzare, what- the- hell- does- that- mean things that men have said or done to us. I have decided to share some of these quotes/situations with you, complete with a short blurb of my reaction, in an attempt to understand these creatures called men. Although I'm not sure that a task such as this is even accomplishable (I don't think that's a word, but roll with it). At the very least I would like to express what I was really thinking at the moment. Brace yourselves, some of the content listed below is a little hard to digest.

"Why should I live my life like I'm in a relationship, when I haven't been presented with one."- Initially I was pissed off about this one, but upon further observation, it makes perfect sense. I know now that I was pissed because at the time I couldn't present him with a relationship. A little something called a marriage is currently preventing that from happening. But I do love him very, very much. BOMBSHELL

"I love you, I always have. Not talking in the romantic sense, as a complete entity."- This was also said to me by the man that I am so enamored by. I wasn't sure how to feel about this. I took it to mean that he was not in love with me, but now I don't know, seeing it in black and white like this makes me feel really good inside.

"I wish I had more time to work with you"- WTF? you're the one with the wife and the kid and you think I need someone to work with me? This was a classic line from the beautiful stranger, and I might add the one thing that he said that made me want to hang up on him. He was just too damn beautiful. It's amazing the things that beautiful people get away with.

"Don't worry, I'll get it up"- Please don't bother. SUBTEXT to this subtext: Men who fail to warn a woman that they are uncircumcised.- Talk about a surprise. It was so sci-fi. There are more of these things running around than you think. You guys should wear special underwear or something. An instructional video would even be helpful, that way we can decide whether or not we want to go through with it before the faucet starts leaking.

Men who take you to meet their mother/family, everything goes great, and then they disappear, or their supposed-to-be ex girlfriend calls you to say that she's NOT his EX- girlfriend.- Long distance relationships are very tricky, you never can tell exactly what is going on. He was Star Wars obsessed, and a little nerdy, but he had the goods. I can't blame the girl for fighting for that one. Junk like that is hard to find.

"You're so easy to fall in love with"- Is that a good or a bad thing? Are you saying that you're in love with me? Are you just very observant? or Are you saying that you could fall in love with me? Why even bother saying this to someone, it is annoyingly pointless.

"It was either punch you or choke you"- I really hope you get the help that you so desperately need. You do realize that no normal, mentally stable person would ever consider those two options as a suitable means to resolve an argument with your wife.

Men you have a perfect first date with that you never hear from him again- Was it something I said? Oh no, I know, I know, he's just not that into me.

"You need someone to take care of you"- Really? Because I just paid for my own glass of wine while you were standing here, is that person supposed to be you?

"I like a woman who wears glasses, a woman once let me cum on her glasses"- Are you insinuating that I let you do the same thing to me? Is that supposed to be sexy you disgusting, perverted, pervert. I have a better idea, but I won't discuss it, I'm a lady. You fill in the blank.

Men say the darnedest things!

Lavender Memories

Like most people getting a divorce some of my days are clouded with painful memories. I am starting to see the light however, and I'm beginning to realize that it wasn't all bad. My soon-to-be ex and I shared a million, little, lovely, experiences together that I could never have shared with anyone else but him. Some experiences are nothing if not poetic, this was certainly one of them.

The evening was beautiful and unassuming, it was a random Wednesday night at the movies.
Cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery, you wanted to eat them there, I decided we should sneak them into the theater.
You were so afraid of getting caught; you devoured yours right away, I saved mine for later.
But somewhere we both got lost in the movie, and time got away from us.
As soon as the lights came up that pretty little cupcake frosted with lavender colored icing was on my mind.
I clutched the white tiny box housing the confection of deliciousness until we were just outside of the theater.
There was a misty rain falling, the light from the movie theater marquee above our heads, a mass of people in my periphery, and the blare of the city traffic at my back.
I was oblivious to it all.
I ripped open the box to discover that my pretty little cupcake was smashed to one side, and all of the icing was smeared across the inside of the box top.
Without a second thought I began to use my fingers to get it all off, it tasted so sugary sweet, and I was so sorry that it was ruined.
I looked up at you, and saw a tear roll down your cheek. You looked as if you'd seen something that you'd never noticed before.
I blinked, "what's wrong" I asked you, as we began to cross the street together, the memory of sugar still lingering on my tongue. "Nothing" you replied smiling, tears still streaming down your beautiful face.
And you were right.

Shout Out to D.C./Blame It on the Alcohol

It would be more than fair to say that my time here in D.C. can be summed up in two words: drunken stupor. I have definitely done my fair share of partying here. I have also managed to grind out some really good work on my blog, and in between hangovers, make some major decisions about my life, all while thoroughly enjoying myself. D.C. this entry is dedicated to you. Outside of NYC, you are my home away from home.
It all started at The Park. My very first week here we went to The Park at Fourteenth. It's a fairly small space, the decor is typical of a restaurant/lounge, and the food is decent. But the energy on a Thursday night is fabulous! Thursday nights at The Park became a weekly event. I love the sea bass and spinach entree, loathed the mini burgers, and adored the selection of men. Shout out to Ron B., Andrew, Patrick, Sam, Jay, T.J., B.J., and God (don't ask). Whenever I'm in town, I'll be stopping in.
Of course a woman of my discerning taste cannot go anywhere without finding a decent place to shop. Tyson's Corner was my drug of choice. The afternoons spent shopping, and lunching with my girlfriends at Gordon Beirsch will never be forgotten. Dinner at Maggiano's is just what the doctor ordered for those long discussions with friends that can only be had over a huge plate of carbs, and a nice long stemmed glass of Merlot.
We spent Founder's Week (all you greeks know what I'm referring to) at the K Street Lounge. Shout out to Jessica of Delta Sigma Theta, my new found D.C. friend! That was a wild night. The club was packed to capacity, alcohol was flowing, and we danced until we were dripping wet. I had forgotten I could move like that! Isn't it funny how every song that comes on in the club is "your song" when you're tipsy and having a good time?
My girlfriend celebrated her birthday at Tuscana Lounge. I had a little too much to drink that night, but what I remember of it was a great time! I heard all about it the next day at brunch at the Silver Diner. I've definitely had better brunch, but when you're with friends, who cares.
Mexican at Lauriol Plaza was pretty good. The swirl Margarita is delish! I only had two drinks this time, so I was able to walk myself out of the restaurant. Shout out to the crazy guys we met while we waited for an hour and a half for a table (it was too cold out to go anywhere else).
Other random fun moments in D.C.- Getting escorted out of The Park for being drunk, getting sick, and throwing up (so much for being ladylike). Falling down on the dance floor at Tuscana Lounge (again due to too many martinis). That Saturday afternoon at the Westin Hotel (you know who you are, FYI: I am not referring to some random guy, despite how it may appear). Hocking my engagement ring at that jewelry store at Potomac Mills. BIG shout out to Jason! and lastly the meeting at P.F. Chang's that inspired three of my blog posts.
A few things I could do without: the snow, the traffic, and the parking problem. I'm used to the snow and freezing cold temperatures, but having to find a place to park in D.C. is nothing short of a nightmare, and I wasn't even the one driving! Since living in NY, I rely on public transportation, so it's been a while since I've had to sit in traffic. I have completely lost my patience where that is concerned. Sadly, as the saying goes, all good things must come to an end. In about a week I'll bid farewell to you D.C. Even with all the parking woes, and the traffic, you were well worth the ride. Cheers! Sincere Lee

Kiss, Kiss

With Valentine's Day just around the corner, and no actual valentine to speak of, I've been reminiscing about past loves. Consequently,I have been reminded of a lost art. The art of intimacy; hand holding, soft whispers, nuzzling, hand-written notes. Whatever happened to kissing? It's been a very long time since I've had a really great kiss. A kiss that makes the world stop spinning for all of five seconds. A kiss so perfect that when you pull away, you forget where you are at that particular moment in time. Are couples doing this anymore? Maybe its just me, but it seems like everyone (myself included) is so over-sexed. It's all about the sex, but what about intimacy? This may make me a little old fashioned, but I am beginning to echo the sentiments of my grandmother. We've made it too easy for men to get their rocks off, without having to put in much effort. That could be because we (I'm speaking for all women again) have decided to be a man's equal, thereby creating a hostile environment for the opportunity for real romance and/or a true courtship to thrive.

Every generation since the Women's Movement has fought to redefine what it means to be a woman in America. We seem to have forgotten what it means to be a woman in a relationship. I am in full support of a woman's right to do whatever she wants. However, we have a tendency to sometimes emasculate men by spitefully exercising those rights. A man still needs to feel like a man, just as a woman needs to feel like a woman. It is high time that we (both men and women) get back to basics. I am not proposing that women go out and buy floral aprons and rolling pins, nor that men start rehearsing their "king of this castle" bit. I am merely suggesting that the next time you are out on a date, be polite, smile, and wear your favorite perfume. Take care where being ladylike is concerned, just as we take care with our careers. Intimacy needs only an ethereal environment to flourish. No two earthly beings can create this better than a man and a woman. Be the best version of whichever one you are, and always be considerate of the opposite sex.

Kiss, Kiss,
Sincere Lee