A Loaded Gun

If you haven't figured out by now I am in love. I practically did a whole series of blog posts for half a week about this person (I know, I got it bad). There is a bit of drama surrounding this love however because it began to bubble over in the midst of my marriage (post-choking, pre-separation). Basically my husband did what any husband would do who is about to lose his wife; found someone else to blame for the demise of our marriage because there is no way either one of us is to blame (I mean this with as much sarcasm as possible). After he noticed that the phone calls between my love and I had spiked quite a bit, he became suspicious, and accused me of having an emotional affair (he was right, if there really is such a thing). He went through my phone, found his number and began harrassing him. This in turn put a strain on the relationship between my love and I, and without warning my love changed his phone number on me i.e. he decided he'd had enough of the bullshit and cut me off. I was heartbroken, but I understood that he did what he needed to do for himself. As much as it hurt, I certainly was in no position to begin another relationship with someone. I had enough to deal with on my own. I've sent a couple of emails since then in vain. We used to be bestfriends, and I really miss having him in my life. We went to high school together, so of course we know a lot of the same people, and he's pretty cool with two of my girlfriends.

This past weekend I accidentally got a little piece of information that could change everything depending on how I handle it. Here's what happened, my two girlfriends (S and D) and I went out to dinner. I am closer to S than I am to D. Consequently S knows all about my love, whereas D knew nothing about him and I. Somewhere in our mindless chatter S asks me about my love and D is surprised. So I have to explain the situation to D. She seems genuinely concerned but stops short of offering any advice. Fast forward to later that evening. Dinner is over and we are now in search of something else to do. Of course we had a few drinks at dinner so our mindless chatter became a little more unfiltered as the evening dragged on. Come to find out neither one of us has had sex in about three months (go figure)! A little off topic, but I digress. My girlfriend S knows the bouncer at a local club and jokingly makes a comment about possibly hooking up with him that night. "Oh no," I respond, "We are all in this together, if you're hooking up with him, than somebody needs to call my love and tell him to come and pick me up." "Oh that can be arranged" says D, "I have his phone number I'll call him." And here comes the random, life changing information: SHE BLURTS OUT HIS PHONE NUMBER. The logical person in me told her not to call him, while the love-sick, stalker in me committed those seven digits to memory. I couldn't believe it. I was flabbergasted to say the least. What are the chances of this happening? She didn't even know that I didn't have his new number, so she had no idea that she'd just given it to me. It was as if someone handed me a loaded gun at the precise moment that my life was in danger.

I have been praying, and wishing, and hoping for months that I could just get in contact with him somehow without popping up at his apartment or his job. And now I have his new phone number without even having to ask for it!! It's killing me because I know I can't use it. Or can I? Technically he never told me not to call him, and I really don't think he would be upset if I did. He would definitely be shocked, but not upset. He knows me better than I know myself, so he knows that I would never do something like this. However, I don't want to seem desperate or pathetic, like I snuck around behind his back and got his number from someone else. I'm a grown woman for goodness sake. I know this is so fifth grade of me, but I am in love with someone for the first time in my life, and this person has expressed his love for me. Isn't this what people do when they're in love? make a complete fool of themselves. The next day when I awoke I told myself I wasn't going to remember it, but I did. Then I tried to convince myself not to write it down, but I did it anyway. So it's neatly scribbled on a tiny, ripped off, piece of an envelope in my wallet, and for the last two days I've been fighting with myself about what to do. Logical me says throw it away, he didn't give you his number for a reason; when he's ready to talk to you, he'll call. Stalker me says call and hang up, then maybe he'll call you back and your call won't count. Writer me says call, whether it ruins your chances of ever being with him in life or not, it'll make for great material for your blog, and your memoir. Needless to say I have not used it. I don't plan on using it, but I can't make any promises unless one of you (yes you) are able to convince me not to.

*For a little backstory on our relationship, please refer to the Love Squared series, as well as the last paragraph of First Time "I Love You's"